So, You Said it’s Over…

How to handle the breakup when D/s is involved.

As in all relationships, we would hope one would conduct themselves in a manner that reflects well on both their character and their ability to use previous partners as a reference of, good conduct or character. For this writer, anyway, I will frequently ask questions like, “If I asked your previous partners, what would they tell me about your ability to communicate? How did they feel about your ability to solve problems?” Chances are, I won’t unless you’re a complete unknown to me, but, one never knows. So, when the relationship ends, she or he either asks for release or you release them, here’s some good ideas. Your mileage may vary, obviously, however some of this is basic common sense.

Depending on the  level of protocol involved or agreement within a dynamic, you’ve had at least one conversation on how best to approach the topic, should the need arise, of a dissolution of dynamic. [If you haven’t yet, and you’re practicing D/s, please, stop reading, and have the damned conversation.] Back with me? Wasn’t so hard now, was it? So, the dominant or submissive has decided the dynamic no longer works for them and have had the conversation/done the thingie/used the gesture, that indicated to the other party the relationship is over. Where do we go from here? Hopefully, you’ve both acted like adults, hashed out what wasn’t working [remember, unless you die, you’re likely to become involved with someone else down the road] and used that information as a learning experience for you both. Was friendship a part of your dynamic? If so, how do you maintain it, beyond the D/s? Will you, dear dominant, continue to nurture your recently released sub as he or she navigates the world without your editorial comments or suggestions? Will you, dear submissive, continue to act as sounding board for frustrations?

In my experience, some are very capable of making that transition easy for both parties. Others, not so much. For the, not so much camp, let’s hash out what not to do, ok? Your submissive or dominant has moved on. They’ve stated they no longer want to entertain a relationship with you, or the idea of a relationship with you. Maybe you’ve tried several times or maybe you’ve only tried once. Regardless, once consent is withdrawn, consent ends. That includes using verbal phrases that bring to mind your relationship commands/protocols. That includes, not using gestures used previously in place of spoken commands. Do you get to randomly text them and ask them if they’ve reconsidered? Do you retain any rights to them at all? The answer is, “no”. If this hurts your feelings, you need to go read up on consent and it actually being a thing.

In the ideal world, when a relationship of any sorts, but particularly this dynamic, where so much trust and security was likely built within and between both parties, one would hope that the odd phone call or random text to check in, see how they’re doing, providing post-emotional aftercare would be seen as appropriate. In case it isn’t, if the other party clearly states they’d like to not have contact, please, respect that. Because, down the road, they may one day be asked, “Hey, so and so said they were your D/s partner, can you tell me about their character?”, make sure yours is shining, respectful and of good character.


~this author recognizes that not all relationships will end well, and that regardless of how well you tried to end it, some people are just crazy and will never say anything good about an ex, keep that in mind when picking your partner for this type of dynamic~

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